“A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.”

Anonymous

Much is written about resilience and definitely parents of children with special needs need plenty of it. One key to developing resilience is to allow the very experiences to be healing (turn dross into gold) I’m not talking about only for our child and what helps and heals him or specific treatments and “interventions.” I mean how we derive healing for us and as a result grow strong. Nothing worth having is easy.

Being parents—let’s be honest, especially mothers—is hard work. Mother is a big, lifetime job. Mothering is about being the vessel that holds everything, that embraces and contains life’s waters, gluing the universe together.

To ‘mother’ our child and be a ‘mother’ to ourself we must obtain healing from our experiences as parents of a child with special needs (or parents of children without special needs.) All of us need to be resilient. Remember: all of us need healing.

Life experiences and situations hold the potential to provide this healing if we allow them to. We unlock potential in our child and in ourself if we make these experiences mean something to us.

I had to grow into and accept the person I am and the person my son is. Coming to terms with my experience of our son’s difficult birth and facing the consequences—to the extent that we knew what the consequences were going to be—was a gradual process and ongoing. No one has a crystal ball. (If they do, try and get it and you’ll waste plenty of time and money while you’re at it.) Writing books and helping others helps me. This is why I do it. And my life circumstances depended on it and made it possible.

Our role as parents means we are witnesses, storytellers and also characters in the scenario. At multiple junctures we have assorted feelings about our child’s circumstances and the role we play, both positive and negative.

Examining and exploring our feelings helps us separate how we feel about our child from how we feel about our child’s diagnosis or situation. This is an important and essential accomplishment and effective for parents because when answering questions and filling out forms, a clear and dispassionate description of our child supports and encourages a doctor or therapist or teacher do their best on behalf of our child.

There are processes – experiments – that can help:

Mourn.

Explore, “What did I hope for?

Recognizing loss and letting ourself experience emotions that are ours alone is a first step to healing.

Celebrate.

Explore, “What do I have?”

Detailing our unique joys and gifts that our child represents is another step to healing.

Make a timeline of life.

Retell – to a trusted friend or in writing or to your rabbi or priest – the birth story of your child and the major milestones you faced and worry about facing.

In these efforts we need to make lists and we need to make time (which we don’t have) but only a few minutes. Like so many things, simple measures can be profoundly effective. I will detail them in my next blog.